First 24 hours or: How I Became Enemies with Taiwan Robert Forster

Alright! Let's throw it back to the myspace days and blog the hell out of this thing. While I've been in Thailand for almost 24 hours now, accounting for travel time, layovers, trips to airport food courts, in-flight movies, shuttling back and forth from terminal to terminal to apartment to brothel (just kidding Mom, honest), it's been almost 4,325 hours since I've left home and only now I am starting my first post. This is unacceptable. Almost like not being able to save goals. Yes, looking at you Robert Green.
Not just 'cause it happened once...but twice:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uGGuL9BnWQ

Anyhoot, 4,325 hours worth of lost blogging is hard to make up, but lemme try as I use a retroactive diary and random musings on this bad boy:

6/15-17

Don't fly China Air. Seriously, don't. China can have its super small cell phones, stupid fast Internet access, and cheap and reliable cars, but please for the love of (insert deity here) do not let it have an airplane service. That thing should be laid to rest like a thirteen year old Labrador with a broken leg and late stages of cataracts.
First off, I thought it was part of the Geneva Conventions for airplanes to have at least five feet of legroom. Either China has decided not to follow this protocol in which case Jack Bauer should be immediately sent over for "diplomatic hearings" and pistol whip every China Air employee until justice is served, or China did not get the memo. Because less than a foot of space is a crime against humanity. Now imagine sitting like this for thirteen hours. Hitler couldn't concoct something worse. Luckily, I sat in the aisle seat so any and all bathroom breaks or leg stretches didn't have to involve me straddling over two other dudes. However, when the guys sitting next to me had to stand up and get out...that's when we started to have big problems...which leads to "passing over" etiquette. In all situations, no matter if you're a guy or a girl, I thought there's an unwritten rule that says you must always pass over someone in a seat/aisle/etc with your butt facing to them. Never the crotch. Never the crotch, because then you're facing that person and it's weird, uncomfortable, and just not necessary. Done deal. Case closed. At least it should be. I thought this was a universally understood law until I came to China Air and the guy sitting by the window had to get up to use the bathroom. Not only did he give me crotch, but I think I should've called the cops for giving an unwanted lap dance. This wouldn't have been a big issue, except the guy had to get out of his seat six times. Multiply that by two for going to the bathroom and back, and I had to experience twelve unwanted lap dances. Now I understand that at thirteen hours it's a long flight. But really? Six bathroom trips? All you're doing is sitting there. No reason for nature to call six times. So maybe this is an issue with China Air for providing the valued customer with little leg room or maybe this is an issue with this dude for not knowing the law. I blame both of them. Get Jack on the line.
There is another issue with China Air and that has to do with the in-flight movie. One of the cool things about long flights is that the airlines are able to play movies that have been recently released in theaters. And they tend to be pretty good movies. I remember watching The Bourne Supremacy a couple months after it was released on a flight. So one of the big highlights of this flight was the possibility of banking on 2-3 quality movies. Boy was I wrong. Now China Air has a nice feature you have your own personal screen displayed on the headrest in front of you, and you can pick your own movie to watch from a list. Also, you can rewind or fast forward the movie so you don't have to watch the whole 3 hours of Gladiator and instead seek out the 5 good fight sequences. Great! Sign me up!...These options aren't very useful if you want to skip the whole movie entirely.
Seriously, from the screen in front of me I had the pleasure of watching Valentine's Day, Letters From Julia, and some other Nicholas Sparks inspired movie.
Then there was the food. I wasn't expecting much in this department, having been weaned on most airlines that simply throw a bag of peanuts at you and call it a meal. China Air, thirteen hours...okay so perhaps two bags of peanuts. Instead I got bento box style compartments of pasta, fruit, and bread. Check that, airline pasta, airline fruit, and airline bread. It's an upgrade over the peanuts, but considering that with all the time changes on that flight, they gave us three meals. Three meals of airline food. No bueno.
Which leads me to this...

Airport Bathroom Power Rankings (in reverse order)!
4. Taiwan
Pros: The only thing Taiwan's bathroom has going for it is that it has variety. From the conventional urinal and Western toilet, it also offers the opportunity to use the squat toilet. That's about it.
Cons: It stinks and is a bit dirty. The tower dispenser uses a slot machine lever for it to roll out paper, which can be a hassle. Also, the toilets don't flush automatically. You need to push a button for five seconds for it to flush, which is always an adventure of "hmm, gotta wonder how many other hands have touched this dealio." However, the button itself, once pressed, releases a gyser of water around it that drowns your finger. Where is this water coming from? Why is it doing this? Why does it take five seconds for it to start? Why am I asking all these questions about a toilet? Moving on...

3. Bangkok
Pros: There are large partitions between the stalls that definitely provides a sense of security. The partitions are almost floor to ceiling, so you don't have to feel as if you're sharing the bathroom experience with Mr. Pale Legs next door. In addition, they have shiny metallic sinks and clean toilets.
Cons: No seat coverings. While the toilets are clean, there still needs to be seat coverings. That thin layer of paper is absolutely necessary, the only protection from contracting something worse than malaria.

2. Phuket
Pros: Clean, spacious, everything you would really want from a bathroom.
Cons: So what separates this from the number one bathroom...aesthetics. Phuket's bathrooms are cave-like dark, mostly because the walls are painted with a mix of depressed gray and black.

1. SFO (U-S-A)
Pros: Spacious (a dozen stalls, a dozen urinals, plenty of sinks), large mirrors, and it's the most technologically advanced of the ones listed with the use of authomatic hand dryers.
Cons: Can get dirty, but at least there are seat coverings.
Chalk that up as another win for Team USA.

One thing has to be acknowledged about the Taipei Airport in Taiwan. It needs to fix it's food court system at the international airport. Landing at the international airport, you're greeted with several shops, magazine stores, and a tech area. However, in terms of food, your options are limited to only one place called the Omni Cafe.
The Omni Cafe is set right next to Gate 6 and offers sandwiches, a rice plate, and noodle bowls. The sandwiches, though, are small, cold and limited to only chicken, ham and cheese, and tuna, which I would stay away from like MIA's "Born Free" music video. The sandwiches aren't especially fresh, evident by their use of the microwave to heat it up after you select one of the pre-made sandwiches. This would all be okay if they didn't price them up the caboose. Tack on a drink and you're paying $10 for your meal.
Again...unjust, inhumane, Geneva Conventions.
And yet, there is nothing you can do about it, because the Omni Cafe is the only food stop in the entire international terminal. The owner, who looks a lot like a Taiwan Robert Forster, holds an apparent cut-throat hold on the restaurant business in the Taiwan airport, monopolizing it in the form of sad sanwiches and expensive beverages.
Which led to this exchange:

Taiwan Robert Forster: That will be $10.

Me: (shocked) Kinda expensive, don't you think? (tentatively hand over money)

Taiwan Robert Forster: (snatches money) Silly boy, silly boy (grins, laughs, and walks away)

Taiwan Robert Forster, we will meet again.

Alrighty, since then I've landed in Thailand and I'm posted out in Kuraburi. I'll be particpating with a group called Andaman Discoveries, helping out in the communities. Mostly been checking out the area and meeting the people I'll be working with the past few hours.

Hopefully that was a good taste of some blog action. More to come in the next few days.