Reason number 526, ahead of not having to shave below the face and behind having phone conversations that last no more than 2.5 minutes, why I'm happier to be a guy than a girl: being able to stand up for squat toilets. Squat toilets, for me at least, are neat little novelty bits in the realm of culture shock. Swapping the beautiful porcelain Western toilet with a hole in the ground and a bucket to flush, the squat toilet represents everything about my experience here in Thailand: raw, unique, new perspectives, but it starts to stink if you don't clean and rinse it out. For while the squat toilet definitely has its own tradition and history deeply embedded in Asian culture, there are three big reasons why I miss the comfort of home:
1. Squat toilet usually means no sink. At most bathrooms here in Thailand, what you'll find are four simple things: hole in the floor, big bucket, water in the big bucket, and a small bucket. After you do your business, you use the small bucket to gather water from the big bucket and dump it in the hole. Somehow, someway, the water flushes everything away in the hole (which, as a side note, completely blows my mind. What is the freaking physics behind this thing? How is it that a few ounces of water are able to completely flush all of that business. I need some kind of engineer to explain this to me with full-fledged diagrams and pictures - I expect nothing less. There has to be some kind of complex plumbing system to this deal. Sure, we live in a world where we can send people to the moon, create weapons that can wipe out total cities, and Ryan Seacrest makes millions and millions for doing whatever the hell he does, but the most amazing accomplishment has to include the squat toilet. Sneakily underrated.
2. It gets really dirty, especially if people don't wash out and flush the thing. Imagine a port-o-potty but if it was used by Pablo Sandoval who, with the intensity of a jackrabbit in heat, just ate at a Chinese buffet, but the orange chicken turned out to have salmonella. Then have that fester for a few days. Imagine, and even then it may not be a full comparison. The Burmese school we're teaching at has this level of bathroom destruction. Granted, most of the kids are seven or so, so you can't really blame them for not wanting to help clean up what's already Kung Pao Panda bathroom status, but man, it can get pretty bad. The kids are absolutely great, because:
a. They really want to learn, and their curiousities run amock once foreigners step inside the classroom. And since their school is in limited shape (no ventillation, not enough textbooks, feeble roofs that leak when it rains, etc), anything and everything to them goes a long way. For example, Janice, my partner in crime here with the program, brought pencils for the students. They completely ate it all up. Most of them had only little stubs of what were once pencils to do math problems, grammar lessons, and homework assignments. Just a simple thing like that - pencils - made a huge difference.
b. Their innovative. With very few things at their disposal, the kids are forced to think on their feet, which is most evident at recess. They don't have many toys at the school, but that doesn't mean they can't have fun. One of the kids was able to turn a single square block of wood at the garbage heap and turn it into a slingshot, a train, and other little games. All those kids playing at recess undoubtably had more collective creativity than the suits who gave Paris Hilton and her friend their own show.
c. Absolutely adorable. Makes me wonder how difficult it would be to make it through customs with one of them in my bag.
With that said, the bathroom is an abomination.
3. Squatting to use a toilet is not fun. Seriously, I don't need to be burning calories and getting a mini-workout for me to do my business. Like full-fledged P90X level of calories...it has to be a legit squat or else you're taking a nose dive straight into that bowl. Sometimes you get the feeling that Tony Horton should be standing right there giving you pieces of advice "Wide stance! Wide Stance!" This is why I'm totally happy that I have my man card. Don't have to squat to go Number 1. Just have to stand there and make it urinal status.
The police in Thailand, it seems, don't work. We know that there are a good number of policemen in the area since there was a group of 10 or so at the bar the second night I was here, but during the day - nothing. Because of that, drivers have to be alert at all times when dealing with pedestrians, sharing the lane with motorbikes, oncoming traffic, and the like. The car horns, therefore, have been modified (since people are constantly honking them to get another's attention to move). Since no one wants to hear the incessant barrage of LA "eff you I'm coming by and I will run you over like I did Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black," cars are instead equipped with what can only be described as light, airy, poodle-like "yip" sounds.
Yip, yip, yip yip yip.
And apparently, I'm Thai. For people here, their conception of an American is white with blonde hair. So literally every conversation with a local, whether at the market, a beach, the apartment, or school has gone like this...
Local Thai: (says something in Thai)
Me: Sorry, English please?
Local Thai: (Surprised) Where you from?
Me: America.
Local Thai: You Asian.
Me: Yeah, but I'm American.
Local Thai: (Laughs) You Asian.
Which is when I have to explain my ethnic background, and let them realize I am really from America. One time at a market, one of the vendors seemingly didn't believe me, and just went back to talking in Thai to me.
Another thing, All Terrain needs to make better bottles for their insect repellent. I've been lathering myself in their all natural deet-free lotion (don't want to use deet products in fear of getting cancer or eventually turning into those Nazis from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark). The repellent works great, but the bottle needs to go back to their R&D offices. The cap does not stay shut. Any slight movement or squeeze of the bottle takes off the top faster than RollerGirl from that one deleted scene in Boogie Nights. Because of that, the left pant pocket from all four pairs of my pants have been completely drenched in insect repellent lotion.
Wish I had pictures to prove it, but there is a video store in a town a couple miles over that sells what have to be bootleg copies of newly released movies for cheap. The best part, though, is the covers of these movies - they have nothing to do with the movie at all. They're all badly photoshopped picture edited together by some guy who must have been given the instructions, "Here, we're not going to let you watch the movie, but from the title alone, give us a cover about what you think it's about."
My favorite example was the cover of Gran Torino. The center of the cover has a picture of Clint Eastwood straight from the movie's poster (the one with him turned sideways, holding a shotgun, and grimacing with his "I'm really old"/"I think I might be constipated" look), but the similarities end there. The font of the movie's title is some weird Gothic-style one with skinny and pointy letters that I feel as though Microsoft Word made obsolete several years ago, because, well, it's not a real font any good person would want to use. Surrounding him are pictures of very poor rural Asian kids who have that "This is the first time I've ever seen a camera before so I should be smiling, but I haven't eaten anything in days" face to them. There is also a bright blue Chevy in the upper left corner. But the most inexplicable thing is in the lower right side: a young Sigourney Weaver-type wearing a blood-covered wife-beater shirt while holding a chainsaw.
My thoughts exactly.
a. They really want to learn, and their curiousities run amock once foreigners step inside the classroom. And since their school is in limited shape (no ventillation, not enough textbooks, feeble roofs that leak when it rains, etc), anything and everything to them goes a long way. For example, Janice, my partner in crime here with the program, brought pencils for the students. They completely ate it all up. Most of them had only little stubs of what were once pencils to do math problems, grammar lessons, and homework assignments. Just a simple thing like that - pencils - made a huge difference.
b. Their innovative. With very few things at their disposal, the kids are forced to think on their feet, which is most evident at recess. They don't have many toys at the school, but that doesn't mean they can't have fun. One of the kids was able to turn a single square block of wood at the garbage heap and turn it into a slingshot, a train, and other little games. All those kids playing at recess undoubtably had more collective creativity than the suits who gave Paris Hilton and her friend their own show.
c. Absolutely adorable. Makes me wonder how difficult it would be to make it through customs with one of them in my bag.
With that said, the bathroom is an abomination.
3. Squatting to use a toilet is not fun. Seriously, I don't need to be burning calories and getting a mini-workout for me to do my business. Like full-fledged P90X level of calories...it has to be a legit squat or else you're taking a nose dive straight into that bowl. Sometimes you get the feeling that Tony Horton should be standing right there giving you pieces of advice "Wide stance! Wide Stance!" This is why I'm totally happy that I have my man card. Don't have to squat to go Number 1. Just have to stand there and make it urinal status.
The police in Thailand, it seems, don't work. We know that there are a good number of policemen in the area since there was a group of 10 or so at the bar the second night I was here, but during the day - nothing. Because of that, drivers have to be alert at all times when dealing with pedestrians, sharing the lane with motorbikes, oncoming traffic, and the like. The car horns, therefore, have been modified (since people are constantly honking them to get another's attention to move). Since no one wants to hear the incessant barrage of LA "eff you I'm coming by and I will run you over like I did Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black," cars are instead equipped with what can only be described as light, airy, poodle-like "yip" sounds.
Yip, yip, yip yip yip.
And apparently, I'm Thai. For people here, their conception of an American is white with blonde hair. So literally every conversation with a local, whether at the market, a beach, the apartment, or school has gone like this...
Local Thai: (says something in Thai)
Me: Sorry, English please?
Local Thai: (Surprised) Where you from?
Me: America.
Local Thai: You Asian.
Me: Yeah, but I'm American.
Local Thai: (Laughs) You Asian.
Which is when I have to explain my ethnic background, and let them realize I am really from America. One time at a market, one of the vendors seemingly didn't believe me, and just went back to talking in Thai to me.
Another thing, All Terrain needs to make better bottles for their insect repellent. I've been lathering myself in their all natural deet-free lotion (don't want to use deet products in fear of getting cancer or eventually turning into those Nazis from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark). The repellent works great, but the bottle needs to go back to their R&D offices. The cap does not stay shut. Any slight movement or squeeze of the bottle takes off the top faster than RollerGirl from that one deleted scene in Boogie Nights. Because of that, the left pant pocket from all four pairs of my pants have been completely drenched in insect repellent lotion.
Wish I had pictures to prove it, but there is a video store in a town a couple miles over that sells what have to be bootleg copies of newly released movies for cheap. The best part, though, is the covers of these movies - they have nothing to do with the movie at all. They're all badly photoshopped picture edited together by some guy who must have been given the instructions, "Here, we're not going to let you watch the movie, but from the title alone, give us a cover about what you think it's about."
My favorite example was the cover of Gran Torino. The center of the cover has a picture of Clint Eastwood straight from the movie's poster (the one with him turned sideways, holding a shotgun, and grimacing with his "I'm really old"/"I think I might be constipated" look), but the similarities end there. The font of the movie's title is some weird Gothic-style one with skinny and pointy letters that I feel as though Microsoft Word made obsolete several years ago, because, well, it's not a real font any good person would want to use. Surrounding him are pictures of very poor rural Asian kids who have that "This is the first time I've ever seen a camera before so I should be smiling, but I haven't eaten anything in days" face to them. There is also a bright blue Chevy in the upper left corner. But the most inexplicable thing is in the lower right side: a young Sigourney Weaver-type wearing a blood-covered wife-beater shirt while holding a chainsaw.
My thoughts exactly.
Never have I read so many movie references in a single non-movie related blog. Outstanding work, haha. Good to see your blessing of being a man is working out over there in Thailand.
ReplyDeleteId really like to see this version of Gran Torino
The Burmese children truly embody the human spirit that soars above any deplorable living conditions. You have learned much just by observing them in their natural state and it has given you new perspective on the resiliency of mankind. You often have to wonder where their future lies and what their life expectancies will be. There is still so much to do even in this 21st century because there is still so much inequality.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Mom
Thanks for affording us less time to watch TV shows such as “The Real Housewives of New York" and "Top Chef" and more time to spend discussing thought-provoking and real-life issues. Your mom is right, Andrew, there is still much to work toward in terms of addressing the challenges identified in sectors of the developing world such as health, education, clean drinking water, among others. Policymakers have been provided with these valuable insights and studies to measure socioeconomic indicators into the living conditions of these areas, some of which have not been witnessed firsthand as what you are currently experiencing in your journey there (kudos to you and your pals). One constant, though—as I’m remembering Nick Alvarez’s (Lisa and Ricky’s son) trip to Africa a few years back from his blogs —is that the children he interacted with in Africa were just as YOU have described in your travels… carefree, innocent, resourceful, and the ability to adjust in any given environment (resilient, as your mom so eloquently phrased it). On another note, in Africa, not surprisingly, the majority of people can’t differentiate between Filipino, Japanese, Korean, Chinese. In their eyes, we are Asian… not American, mind you, but Asian. So just nod, right, and go with the flow.
ReplyDeleteAndrew, don't forget that women have this Herculean ability to push a bowling ball size object through a 10 cm opening while spewing expletive deleted that would make Mother Theresa blush. Also I've often wondered where sumo wrestlers go to the bathroom. Of course, the squat toilets!!!
ReplyDeleteDad
Am I the only one that doesn't want to adopt a foreign child?
ReplyDelete